she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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