Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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