He disabled his match.com account in front of me
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
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