You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
You're like the curious george of whores
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
