Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
you never un-have a 4some
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize