I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
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