Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
