i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
