Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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