New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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