My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
