Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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