WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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