Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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