1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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