How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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