Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
