She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Randomize
