I must be too annoying 4 u.
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
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