I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
