My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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