i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
How's work?
Spinning.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
