I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
