I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
