anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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