obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
