gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
