i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Let's paint friendship bongs
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
