They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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