god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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