That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
