last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
