WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
