I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
