Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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