the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
