dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
