Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
