i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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