I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
