like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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