fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Randomize
