Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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