its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
