im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
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