i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
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