I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
