but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Randomize
