Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
