You don't have asthma, your pregnant
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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