So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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