he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
