Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Randomize
