Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
