3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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