I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
