He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Randomize
