last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
