hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
