this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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